My Little Angel ~
It’s been a while since I last wrote you. I moved a few months ago but that hasn’t stopped me from doing all I can to bring you into this world.
I want you to know how strong your mother is. Not physically but emotionally. This process of trying to have a baby can seem very easy to most. For most, it’s a simple as being with someone intimately and producing a miracle formed from two souls. For others, like myself, it’s a difficult, trying, and emotional time that is most often filled with sadness, frustration, and disappointment.
The frustration comes the repetitiveness of each month trying and trying and not having that little miracle to call your own. The sadness often comes from seeing how others are happy to announce their pregnant or share their children’s moments with you but inside all I feel is how I wish it were me. The disappointment comes from within. How disappointed I feel in myself for failing each month.
There are so many emotions that a woman feels to begin with, multiply that by a significant amount more and the emotions can become almost unbearable. What’s worse? Is doing it all alone. When I have to carry all of this by myself it doesn’t make it any easier.
There’s no one I can really talk to about what I’m feeling during this process. Many just don’t understand unless they are going through it themselves. Many people will tell me that I need to just “take my time” or that I’m “rushing into things”. What I hate the most? When they tell me to forget about it and just move on with my life.
I don’t want to “move on” with my life that way. I want to have a family. I want to be able to give all the love I have inside my heart to MY family. To the child or children that come from me. Is that so much to ask for?
There’s one more emotion that goes through me: anger. I’m angry at myself for seeming like a failure each month when that blatantly white pregnancy stick is staring back at me. I’m angry that I have no one to talk to about all this and carry it on my shoulders every minute of every day. I’m angry that I when I become so overwhelmed with sadness and break down into tears, there’s no one to wrap there arms around and just hold me, comfort me, and tell me that everything will be okay and we will try again next month.
All of this I keep to myself. Why? I don’t know. Mainly, I think because of the way I was raised. Partly because I’m a little bit ashamed that people will know I’m broken. And some because there just isn’t anyone that will listen.
I want you to know right now, that no matter what happens in your life I will always be here for you to talk to. You can come to me about anything in your life. No matter what it is. No matter if we are arguing or are best friends at the time it happens. No matter who or what it involves. I give my promise to you that I will ALWAYS be there for you.
I love you with all my heart.